2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

(Thar be spoilers!)    

                

That's right folks, step right up and hear a tale of woe. The tale of the 2-Headed Shark Attack. A movie so horrid, it’s got B-movie written all over it. And like all the other B-movies I’ve reviewed, this one also has a very simple plot. A plot that is nothing more than a pathetic excuse to show blood and some cheap thrills.

The movie begins without any decent intro, you’re thrown right in middle of the ‘action’ without getting any establishing shot at all. Then the usual stuff happens, people are surfing and getting eaten alive by a two-headed shark. Like Jaws, only cheaper and made with tons of bad CGI. 

Oh yeah, that’s right.

A FRIGGIN’ two-headed shark. 

Duuude it’s like a shark, but with like two heads dude. 

The culprit

Wut      
                                                                                                                                                

After that stupid beginning we follow a group of students on a boat. They study ‘marine biology’. And ‘Students’ is actually a big word to describe this lot. They are a mix of douchebags, hot girls in small bikinis with bitchy attitudes, a teacher and a nerd. The nerd is the only one that deserves my sympathy. It must feel like hell, being stuck on a boat with ignoramuses. All the others are just shallow creatures that fit perfectly in the ‘bro-culture’ stereotype. Clearly, character development never was a huge priority in this movie. This was good, actually. It meant I could hate these walking stereotypes with a fiery passion.

The students. Only the nerd (2nd from the right) deserves mentioning

The boat hits a massive cadaver of some dead shark and it actually manages to get shredded by the propellers in the back. Gallons of fake blood float and naturally, it attracts the evil 2-headed shark. This culprit, in turn, begins banging the ship (no not that way) until it has a hull breach. It also destroys the radio mast, which makes the group isolated from the rest of the world. Everybody panics, everybody screams. As usual. You might witness a severe case of HORRENDOUS acting.

The students escape from the boat and flee to a nearby atoll (like an island, only built on coral according to the movie). A few stay behind to fix the hull. As they try to mend it, something happens. OH NOES, is that 2-headed shark thingie eating that attractive lady in bikini who is welding the ship underwater!? YUP. Is that a piece of her hand? YES. SHE’S DEAD JIM.

Meanwhile, on the atoll some of the students try to scavenge scrap metal to fix the ship. But because they are all airheads (okay, most of them) they fail to grasp the seriousness of the situation and wander off to tell sob stories or frolic in the shallow water whilst fully knowing there is a deadly 2-headed freak shark in the area.

This frolicking scene also contains some nudity. But seriously guys, it really feels tacked on. We aren’t stupid. We know this scene was added to make the movie more enticing. We just know you tried to distract us from the bad plot and crappy acting with girl-on-girl action, but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just make a failed movie, slap some attractive lady flesh on it and call it a day. It insults the viewer.

Yup, dead as a doornail. Notice the shark's incredibly fake teeth

Ah yes, the atoll starts to sink, presumably the shark’s handiwork. Or was it because the island had gotten fed up with sheltering such a brain-dead group? Or some freaky natural occurrence that happens right there, right then? You be the judge. Oh, some more people become shark food at that point. But because all of them were douchebags or whiners, I couldn’t care less.

At some point in the film, they decide to have a race with some discarded boats they found on the atoll. And yesm, it all ends in a ‘disaster’: people get eaten by the shark HURR HURR. I didn’t care the slightest about them. 

The team (what remains of the band of douchebags and retards) faces some more disasters and they decide to fix the ship (again). The nerd knows that the shark will kill the welder because of the shark’s attraction to electromagnetic currents. And with an incredibly far-fetched plan, they plan to distract the shark until the hull is fixed. It involves a fishing net with an electric current going through it. Yes, the ship gets fixed but a cowardly douchebag steals it. Mercifully he gets eaten anyway by the 2-headed shark. Good riddance. 

Repent! Bad shark! Bad shark!

After that, this killer mammal (shark ≠ fish) decides to have a go at the electrified net. It gets a shock and angrily starts banging the rocks and scenery. This causes the atoll to sink even deeper. Now the survivors suddenly realise that they have to fight back! So they hide inside the remains of a chapel. The shark catches up with them but one of the douchebags is brave enough to start hitting it with a cross. This buys the other survivors time to escape the chapel. The douchebag dies a heroic death at the hands (fins?) of a freak shark. 

 

Meanwhile, the survivors keep wading through the water until they find a barrel of petrol. They decide to lure the 2-headed shark to the barrel, to let it bite this barrel and ignite it. SOUNDS FAMILIAR? (hint: that other shark movie everyone knows, beginning with a J). It destroys only one head. The survivors then find an abandoned little boat, they rig it and let the shark follow it. It bites the boat and explodes. The end.

Seriously, what the hell? 

I felt cheated at the end. Such a bad ending, but that’s not the only bad thing. I missed a lot of explanation, background information about this shark. Usually it’s something along the lines of an experiment gone wrong, a secret government project, or a mad scientist. Nothing like that here. Just mind-numbingly stupid comments of walking stereotypes. This movie just felt dumb in its entirety. What was the director thinking?

Anyways, there are a few things I learned while watching this ‘movie’.

- There is cell phone reception in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

-A 2-headed shark roars like dinosaur.

-Underwater welding is pretty easy to get the hang of, especially if you're a hot blonde in a small bikini.

-Lightly scraping your leg is a mortal wound, it must be treated immediately.

-2-headed sharks can continue to live after one of their heads is blown off.

-Fishing nets made out of rope can conduct electricity.

-2 headed sharks can change size at will.

Only watch this movie if you’re drunk, high or desperate (preferably combined).

Tl;dr Shark kills lots douchebags, then bites a rigged boat and explodes. That’s about it.