02-07-2013

Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic review by The Grinning Cat



Voorwoord:

Hallo, mijn naam is The Grinning Cat en ik doe een guest-review voor The Electric Eye. Dit zal waarschijnlijk eenmalig zijn tenzij de kritiek positief is. Ik zou daarom ook graag anoniem blijven en me ooit op een dag bekend maken. Even de house-rules opschrijven voor deze review: meestal zal ik mijn persoonlijke notities plaatsen tussen twee haakjes () en houd er rekening mee dat dit mijn opinie is op het spel of film. Als je jullie nog meer content van mij willen zien, laat het me dan weten. On the side note, no bothans were harmed while writing this review (well maybe 1 or 2…)

Graphics:

Dit is een game van het jaar 2003 en ontwikkeld door Bioware (ja de mensen die ook Dragon Age en Mass Effect hebben gemaakt). De graphics zijn dus een beetje outdated maar naar mijn persoonlijke mening zijn ze nog goed genoeg om speelbaar te blijven. De CGI cutscenes kunnen een beetje houterig overkomen in het begin, maar eens je goed in het spel zit vergeef je dit wel (hopelijk?).

Sounds:

De muziek in deze game zijn fenomenaal. Als je helaas geen fan bent van de muziek van de originele films, dan zal je hier ook niet zoveel aan vinden. De voice acting is een pure must om te horen. Iedere character heeft een voice. In 2003 was dit mind-blowing, want we zijn nu niet minder gewend. De aliens spreken zelfs in hun eigen taal, wat een negatief puntje bovenhaalt. Sommige voices worden meerdere keren gebruikt voor een andere alien (Wookie 1 kan dus hetzelfde klinken als Wookie 2). 

Gameplay:  

Voor diegene die ooit Dragon Age: Origins gespeeld hebben zal dit niet zo gek in de oren klinken. Je kan op elk moment van de game je spel pauzeren door op de spacebar te duwen. Zo kan je met je characters en je compagnions een aanvallen-combo bedenken om de vijand uit te schakelen. 

Ik zal een klein voorbeeldje geven. Ik ben samen met een droid en een andere jedi tegen 2 sith, 1 robot en nog een gewoon manneke. Ik druk op spacebar om het spel te pauzeren en ik laat de andere jedi de robot aanvallen via een force power, op dat moment valt mijn droid aan met 2 keer flamethrower en een gewone schietaanval tegen het gewone manneke. Ik doe dan tegen de 2 sith 2 keer een force lightning en critical attack. Daarna druk je op spacebar en begint het weer van voor af aan. 

Het levelen van je personage is ook niet zo moeilijk. Je spendeert de punten die je wilt benutten (strength, stamina, willpower, etc.), je kiest een non-force atribuut en als het een Jedi of een Sith is ook nog enkele force powers. Als je een Sith bent kan je nog steeds een force power kiezen van de Jedi en visa versa. 
De conversaties met andere personages zijn ook heel belangrijk, omdat deze je good side of dark side bepalen (wat later je einde ook zal bepalen). Je hebt meerdere opties om te selecteren tijdens een conversatie, wat zorgt voor een hoge herspeelbaarheid. Dit systeem werd ook gebruikt bij Dragon Age: Origins en ook Mass Effect.

Verhaal (dit kan een grote brok zijn, veel verhaal hé):  

Ik zou graag willen beginnen met te zeggen dat je alles mag vergeten wat je gezien hebt in de films, want dit spel speelt zich duizenden jaren voor de eerste film af, alles kan dus gebeuren.
Na het maken van je personage belandt je op een schip dat aangevallen wordt de Sith. Je hebt geen herinneringen meer wat er gebeurt is voor het moment dat je wakker werd. Dit is eigenlijk het tutorial level, waar alles wordt uitgelegd hoe combat, conversaties, … werkt. Je verlaat het schip met een shuttle samen met piloot Carth Onasi en land op de planeet Taris (een planeet onder leiding van de Sith).

Je komt te weten dat een Jedi met de naam Bastilla (vrouwelijk personage) je gered heeft op het schip en je wilt haar bevrijden. Je komt in contact met een twi’lek Mission, een Wookie Zaalbar die je gered hebt en de mercenary Canderous. Nadat je wint met podracing (een soort race die je ook zag in episode I), krijg je als prijs de Jedi Bastilla (wie ze dachten een gewone slaaf te zijn). Je ontsnapt met een schip “The Ebon Hawk” (een soort vlagschip dat lijkt op die van Han Solo).

Bastilla vertelt je dat je naar Dantooine moet gaan omdat je verdacht veel force door je lichaam hebt stromen. (Dantooine heeft een soort Jedi acadamy). Na een eerste confrontatie met de Jedi Council moet je terug gaan naar je schip om te overnachten. Daar krijg je een droom over een oud apparaat. Als je wakker wordt verteld Bastilla dat ze dezelfde droom heeft gehad (force bonding). De Jedi Council wilt dat je een Jedi opleiding moet voltooien voordat ze willen verder praten. Je doet in weken wat anderen nog niet in jaren kunnen en je voltooid de training met glans. 

Tijdens je examen voor Jedi te worden moet je een onderzoeken waar een duistere force vandaan komt op de planeet. Hierbij ontmoet je Juhani, een Jedi die zich heeft gekeerd naar de dark side. Je kan ze recruten als je haar kan overhalen dat ze een foute weg heeft ingeslagen. 

De Jedi Council vertelt meer over het apparaat dat je gezien hebt in je droom en komt te weten dat dit in een star map is. Als je dit hebt onderzocht kom je te weten dat er nog meerdere star mappen (je kan deze verkrijgen in elke volgorde die je wilt) zijn. De star map zal leiden naar de star forge (een soort death star 2.0) die onder leiding staat van Darth Malak (the Dark Lord) en Darth Revan (die dood wordt verklaard à later meer). 

Nadat je 4 van de 5 star mappen hebt gevonden, wordt je schip binnen gehaald met een tractorbeam van het schip van Darth Malak. Je wordt gevangen genomen en je kan kiezen om een persoon te laten verschuilen in de Ebon Hawk (die zal je later bevrijden). Op dit moment ga ik in de hevigere spoilers, dus als je hier stopt met lezen, tot zo waarschijnlijk? 

Nadat je bevrijdt wordt door de persoon/robot die je gekozen hebt, kom je Darth Malak tegen. Die vertelt je dat jij Darth Revan was, de vroegere Dark lord en meester van Darth Malak. Jouw schip werd aangevallen door de Jedi samen met Bastilla.  Op dat moment had Darth Malak jou verraden en wou hij de Dark Lord worden, waarin hij dus geslaagd is. 

Tijden dat je Malak bevecht, leidt Bastilla hem af zodat je kan ontsnappen (not strong enough). Je vindt de laatste star map en je wilt vertrekken naar de star forge. Helaas is daar weer een trekstraal die je naar een planeet toetrekt. Op deze planeet is (helaas?) ook Darth Malak en Bastilla (wie hij wilt omkeren naar de dark side). Nadat hij haar heeft overgebracht naar de dark side kom je haar tegen. Zij vertelt je dat je terug Darth Revan moet worden … en dat gaat. Als je heel het spel door dark side hebt gespeeld is het mogelijk om opnieuw de titel van Dark Lord over te nemen. Sommige van je compagnions zijn hier niet zo tevreden mee en keren zich tegen je (soms moeten er offers gebracht worden hé?). Je vernietigt de trekstraal en je kan naar de star forge gaan. Daar is inmiddels ook de hele Jedi gearriveerd.  

Bastilla leidt de hele Jedi af zodat jij Darth Malak kan verslaan en terug de supreme ultimate dark lord kunt worden (het is gewoon zo leuk om evil te zijn in dit spel). Je vernietigt Darth Malak, de hele jedi wordt uitgeschakeld, je bent weer Darth Revan en… dit wordt vervolgd in Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords (wat ne titel man). 

Besluit:

Toen ik dit voor de eerste keer had gespeeld was mijn mind blown. De meer dan 30u aan content krijg je bijna nu zelfs niet meer. Zowel fans van Star Wars of fans van rpg’s kunnen hier uren mee genieten. Dit is een van de beste spellen die ik ooit heb gespeeld, misschien zelfs de beste? Als jullie ooit besluiten dit te spelen zou ik ook aanraden om de mod Brotherhood of Shadow te downloaden wat zorgt voor meer dan 10u speelplezier. 

Ik hoop dat jullie genoten hebben van deze review en misschien tot nog ooit eens?           

10-02-2013

Far Cry 2008




(Generic spoilers ahead!)

 

ge·ner·ic  \jə-ˈner-ik, -ˈne-rik\ = (adj) applicable to, or referring to all the members of a genus, class, group, or kind; general.

The movie Far Cry was directed by Uwe Boll, A.K.A ‘The master of disaster’. It has very little to do with the similarly named game.

Normally at this point I would add “And that’s all you’ll ever need to know” and be done with it.

After that I could get off my computer and do more productive stuff, like inventing a cure for cancer, plotting world domination or trying to lick my own elbow. However, it has been a long time since I added anything useful to this blog so here goes.

“Far Cry” or 'Thatmoviewithalotofgermanreferences' is something that certainly lives up to its B-movie reputation. As mentioned before it is supposedly based on the similarly named game. But those similarities are dismissable. Yes, it’s on an island and there are super-soldiers lead by a crazy scientist. But that’s about it. 

This movie contains a generic plot, it really felt like Uwe Boll didn’t want to take any chances. All the movie elements  are ripped from previous ones we’ve all seen before. A mad scientist invents a super-soldier? A retired spec ops soldier that doesn’t want to fight, but has to regardless? The fat guy that brings comic relief? Check. Check. Check. Does it guarantee a generic plot? Yes. Does it contain lots of done to death clichés? Yes. Is it a bad thing? Surprisingly no, not necessarily.

Jack. Hawaiian shirt also included.
You see, the plot goes as follows: A journalist (Valerie) and an ex-spec ops soldier (Jack) try to find and rescue a friend (Max) who is leaking top-secret information about the super-soldier project.

Valerie is American but Jack is German thus has a distinct accent. (Un?)fortunately he isn’t the only one. Throughout the movie we encounter a lot of Germans who try to replicate an American accent. Normally I would love listening to people desperately trying to emulate an accent (and hilariously failing), but in this movie I just felt pity for them. At times I wished I could just reach out to the screen say to them “Just say it in German, don’t stress yourself out”. Maybe I have a soft spot for Germans?

Let’s not forget that the director Uwe Boll is German. That might be the reason behind these funny accents,  the 4 Volkswagens in the movie, the fact that the protagonist is from Germany, the villain’s  name “Krieger” which means “Warrior” in English and the recurring word “Tishtennis”.

Max (the guy that leaked info) gets caught by the mad scientist and they turn him into a super-soldier as well. Of course at this point we are treated to a brief surgery scene that is somewhat graphic but totally justified. Yuck. Just like the cliché dictates.

As Jack and Valerie try to meet up with Max, it becomes apparent that they have walked into a trap. Of course they are surrounded by lots of angry looking soldiers with big guns. They escape this trap with excessive shooting and making stuff explode all over the place. And yes, it is a generic shoot-out from beginning to end. You know, endless shooting without reloading, explosions etc. One mentionable scene involved hand grenades. 

“You’re supposed to pull the pin woman, because otherwise they won’t explode!” –Jack.

Krieger and Valerie discussing... stuff
Later they try to infiltrate the military complex but get caught. At this point the journalist meets the mad scientist (Krieger) and discovers that he wants to sell his super-soldiers to the highest bidder.
This scientist is like a generic shout-out to the classic bond villain. You know, back when villains still had some class? He enjoys classical music (as all ‘classy’ villains do) and likes painting. But later it is revealed that his “painting” actually contains the formula to create the perfect super-soldier. And no, I am not dropping a doctor Mengele reference here.

Chernov: she won't be missed
Meanwhile Jack (with some fat bloke) escapes, shoots some more soldiers, blows up some boats and shoots even more soldiers. And yes, the super-soldiers escape from their cells and join the fray. What makes them super? They are bullet resistant and have superhuman strength. Also, they look kinda grey-ish. And to can only be killed by shooting them in the head or the mouth (or in Call of duty- speak HEADZZSHOTZ!). Max, the super-soldier  turned friend has a change of heart (as most generic action movies have) and kills Chernov, the second in command of Krieger . She’s a bitchy bitch woman with a German accent. Max dies a heroic death seconds later. 

But of course, the protagonists manages to escape the island. The scientist tries to flee (reminiscent of some Nazi-general escaping at the end of the war to Argentina) but gets killed by his own super-soldiers. 

IRONY, MUCH? 

Anyways, it wasn’t the worst movie nor the best. I was too bland for that. Too gray. But I couldn’t stop watching for some reason. It was like watching a car-crash in slow motion. You could actually see the quality of the movie flying through the windshield!

Tldr; Generic action movie

13-01-2013

2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)




(Thar be spoilers!)    

                

That's right folks, step right up and hear a tale of woe. The tale of the 2-Headed Shark Attack. A movie so horrid, it’s got B-movie written all over it. And like all the other B-movies I’ve reviewed, this one also has a very simple plot. A plot that is nothing more than a pathetic excuse to show blood and some cheap thrills.

The movie begins without any decent intro, you’re thrown right in middle of the ‘action’ without getting any establishing shot at all. Then the usual stuff happens, people are surfing and getting eaten alive by a two-headed shark. Like Jaws, only cheaper and made with tons of bad CGI. 

Oh yeah, that’s right.

A FRIGGIN’ two-headed shark. 

Duuude it’s like a shark, but with like two heads dude. 
The culprit

Wut      
                                                                                                                                                
After that stupid beginning we follow a group of students on a boat. They study ‘marine biology’. And ‘Students’ is actually a big word to describe this lot. They are a mix of douchebags, hot girls in small bikinis with bitchy attitudes, a teacher and a nerd. The nerd is the only one that deserves my sympathy. It must feel like hell, being stuck on a boat with ignoramuses. All the others are just shallow creatures that fit perfectly in the ‘bro-culture’ stereotype. Clearly, character development never was a huge priority in this movie. This was good, actually. It meant I could hate these walking stereotypes with a fiery passion.

The students. Only the nerd (2nd from the right) deserves mentioning
The boat hits a massive cadaver of some dead shark and it actually manages to get shredded by the propellers in the back. Gallons of fake blood float and naturally, it attracts the evil 2-headed shark. This culprit, in turn, begins banging the ship (no not that way) until it has a hull breach. It also destroys the radio mast, which makes the group isolated from the rest of the world. Everybody panics, everybody screams. As usual. You might witness a severe case of HORRENDOUS acting.

The students escape from the boat and flee to a nearby atoll (like an island, only built on coral according to the movie). A few stay behind to fix the hull. As they try to mend it, something happens. OH NOES, is that 2-headed shark thingie eating that attractive lady in bikini who is welding the ship underwater!? YUP. Is that a piece of her hand? YES. SHE’S DEAD JIM.

Meanwhile, on the atoll some of the students try to scavenge scrap metal to fix the ship. But because they are all airheads (okay, most of them) they fail to grasp the seriousness of the situation and wander off to tell sob stories or frolic in the shallow water whilst fully knowing there is a deadly 2-headed freak shark in the area.

This frolicking scene also contains some nudity. But seriously guys, it really feels tacked on. We aren’t stupid. We know this scene was added to make the movie more enticing. We just know you tried to distract us from the bad plot and crappy acting with girl-on-girl action, but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just make a failed movie, slap some attractive lady flesh on it and call it a day. It insults the viewer.

Yup, dead as a doornail. Notice the shark's incredibly fake teeth
Ah yes, the atoll starts to sink, presumably the shark’s handiwork. Or was it because the island had gotten fed up with sheltering such a brain-dead group? Or some freaky natural occurrence that happens right there, right then? You be the judge. Oh, some more people become shark food at that point. But because all of them were douchebags or whiners, I couldn’t care less.

At some point in the film, they decide to have a race with some discarded boats they found on the atoll. And yesm, it all ends in a ‘disaster’: people get eaten by the shark HURR HURR. I didn’t care the slightest about them. 

The team (what remains of the band of douchebags and retards) faces some more disasters and they decide to fix the ship (again). The nerd knows that the shark will kill the welder because of the shark’s attraction to electromagnetic currents. And with an incredibly far-fetched plan, they plan to distract the shark until the hull is fixed. It involves a fishing net with an electric current going through it. Yes, the ship gets fixed but a cowardly douchebag steals it. Mercifully he gets eaten anyway by the 2-headed shark. Good riddance. 

Repent! Bad shark! Bad shark!
After that, this killer mammal (shark ≠ fish) decides to have a go at the electrified net. It gets a shock and angrily starts banging the rocks and scenery. This causes the atoll to sink even deeper. Now the survivors suddenly realise that they have to fight back! So they hide inside the remains of a chapel. The shark catches up with them but one of the douchebags is brave enough to start hitting it with a cross. This buys the other survivors time to escape the chapel. The douchebag dies a heroic death at the hands (fins?) of a freak shark. 
 
Meanwhile, the survivors keep wading through the water until they find a barrel of petrol. They decide to lure the 2-headed shark to the barrel, to let it bite this barrel and ignite it. SOUNDS FAMILIAR? (hint: that other shark movie everyone knows, beginning with a J). It destroys only one head. The survivors then find an abandoned little boat, they rig it and let the shark follow it. It bites the boat and explodes. The end.

Seriously, what the hell? 

I felt cheated at the end. Such a bad ending, but that’s not the only bad thing. I missed a lot of explanation, background information about this shark. Usually it’s something along the lines of an experiment gone wrong, a secret government project, or a mad scientist. Nothing like that here. Just mind-numbingly stupid comments of walking stereotypes. This movie just felt dumb in its entirety. What was the director thinking?

Anyways, there are a few things I learned while watching this ‘movie’.

- There is cell phone reception in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

-A 2-headed shark roars like dinosaur.

-Underwater welding is pretty easy to get the hang of, especially if you're a hot blonde in a small bikini.

-Lightly scraping your leg is a mortal wound, it must be treated immediately.

-2-headed sharks can continue to live after one of their heads is blown off.

-Fishing nets made out of rope can conduct electricity.

-2 headed sharks can change size at will.

Only watch this movie if you’re drunk, high or desperate (preferably combined).

Tl;dr Shark kills lots douchebags, then bites a rigged boat and explodes. That’s about it.

06-01-2013

Hobo with a shotgun (2011)



  
(SPOILER ALERT)

Every once in a while there is a film that's so bad it's good. This is one of them. Initially this movie started off as a ‘fake’ trailer with the movie ‘Bitch Slap’. And like Bitch Slap, this is pure grindhouse bliss. The term ‘grindhouse’ refers to a type of movie that was made between the 1960’s and the 1990’s with a large amount sex, violence and often nonsensical plots. Yes, I know this movie was made in 2011 and that means it doesn’t qualify as ‘pure’ grindhouse, but it pays homage to these kind of movies. 

More specifically, the grindhouse vigilante movies from the eighties.

And this one is pretty darn good.

The plot is relatively simple. A nameless hobo arrives in a town called ‘Hope Town’ and is confronted with rampant crime. Upon arriving he also witnesses a horrific execution in the streets by the Drake family (I won’t spoil you the details but it involves a manhole cover). This crime family, consisting of father Drake and his two psychotic sons, is the cause of everything that goes wrong in Hope Town.

Like most B-movies, the antagonists don’t have what you would call a ‘deep character’. They just keep repeating their shallow motives in order to reinforce their evil psyche. Much like a song stuck on replay. They never go beyond the usual “This city needs me” and “I am the greatest, don’t you fuck with me you FUCKING FUCK!”. Yes, a lot of f-words in this movie. The antagonists show psychotic tendencies that only the most disturbed criminals wouldn't reject (like killing your own uncle and using his head as a hood ornament, sawing someone's head of a wood saw, killing with ice skates).

The Drake family runs the city and has everybody in their pocket. Our hobo-hero tries to survive and wants to buy a lawnmower. One evening, he saves a prostitute (called Abby) from certain death by the two Drake sons. She befriends the hobo.

These tender moments allow us to develop a bond with the hobo and Abby. She is his emotional outlet. Abby is like a delicate flower, forced into the dirt of prostitution because of the violent, hopeless and toxic environment. Our hero hopes she becomes a teacher someday.

But the next day, he leaves and wants to go buy the lawnmower. But just as he is inside the store a robbery takes place. 

"I'm gonna sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight!"
Our hero snaps.

He grabs a shotgun from the shelves…                 

And delivers justice to the robbers (shooting them into a bloody pulp) one shell at a time. FUCK YEAH

Our hero continues his killing spree. Like a sick, twisted and demented version of batman (including the gravelly voice), he starts delivering GREAT JUSTICE to a host of perpetrators including: muggers, pimps, snuff-movie directors and a paedophile dressed as Santa (I’m not making this shit up).

Prepare to see a lot of blood everywhere
It all feels so incredibly epic, you almost wish there was a shotgun-equipped hobo in every street, poppin’ heads of every wrongdoer. And just like in every b-movie there is one helluva lot of violence. Buckets of fake blood flow on the set. Most of the time it is so incredibly unrealistic that you’ll probably laugh instead of being shocked (at least I was).

The city rejoices because of the hobo’s killing spree and the evil Drake family feels their power slipping. So the two psychotic sons want to instil a sense of fear in the masses by torching a bus full of schoolchildren. That’s right. Friggin’ school children.

They do this whilst ‘Disco inferno’ (by the Trammps) plays as background music. Evil just got a whole lot groovier.

As I said before: cardboard cutouts when it comes to character development. But that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s like trying to watch a porno movie for the plot. You don’t do that, right? But at this point you have already seen so much shocking violence that you probably are desensitized  and won’t even bat an eyelid.  

The sons hunt down the hobo and Abby. One of the psychotic sons dies in an amusing way, the other one had a toaster-accident (seeing is believing).

The hobo confronts one of the sons. Yes, he is pointing at that area with his shotgun.

But eventually father Drake captures the hobo and demands that he fights to the death in an epic battle in an arena. Like a sick version of ‘Gladiator’. What happens next contains a lot of WTF?, AWESOME!, and OH GOD WHY. Some keywords: gore,lawnmower blade,gore,manhole cover, noose, gore, gore, hand, blood, gore, shotgun. Have I mentioned gore already?

You do the math.

To wrap it all up, it’s a great movie but take a few precautions before watching:
1. Forget all regular logic
2. Don’t eat before or during the movie (I made this mistake)
3. Embrace the blood and gore (essential)
4. Don’t be easily offended
5. ENJOY YOURSELF!

Also these guys
















See you next week guys!

Tl;dr Hobo with a shotgun cleanses a city of crime, befriends prostitute, ruling crime family gets nervous and captures him to fight in an arena to the death.