2-Headed Shark Attack (2012)

(Thar be spoilers!)    

                

That's right folks, step right up and hear a tale of woe. The tale of the 2-Headed Shark Attack. A movie so horrid, it’s got B-movie written all over it. And like all the other B-movies I’ve reviewed, this one also has a very simple plot. A plot that is nothing more than a pathetic excuse to show blood and some cheap thrills.

The movie begins without any decent intro, you’re thrown right in middle of the ‘action’ without getting any establishing shot at all. Then the usual stuff happens, people are surfing and getting eaten alive by a two-headed shark. Like Jaws, only cheaper and made with tons of bad CGI. 

Oh yeah, that’s right.

A FRIGGIN’ two-headed shark. 

Duuude it’s like a shark, but with like two heads dude. 

The culprit

Wut      
                                                                                                                                                

After that stupid beginning we follow a group of students on a boat. They study ‘marine biology’. And ‘Students’ is actually a big word to describe this lot. They are a mix of douchebags, hot girls in small bikinis with bitchy attitudes, a teacher and a nerd. The nerd is the only one that deserves my sympathy. It must feel like hell, being stuck on a boat with ignoramuses. All the others are just shallow creatures that fit perfectly in the ‘bro-culture’ stereotype. Clearly, character development never was a huge priority in this movie. This was good, actually. It meant I could hate these walking stereotypes with a fiery passion.

The students. Only the nerd (2nd from the right) deserves mentioning

The boat hits a massive cadaver of some dead shark and it actually manages to get shredded by the propellers in the back. Gallons of fake blood float and naturally, it attracts the evil 2-headed shark. This culprit, in turn, begins banging the ship (no not that way) until it has a hull breach. It also destroys the radio mast, which makes the group isolated from the rest of the world. Everybody panics, everybody screams. As usual. You might witness a severe case of HORRENDOUS acting.

The students escape from the boat and flee to a nearby atoll (like an island, only built on coral according to the movie). A few stay behind to fix the hull. As they try to mend it, something happens. OH NOES, is that 2-headed shark thingie eating that attractive lady in bikini who is welding the ship underwater!? YUP. Is that a piece of her hand? YES. SHE’S DEAD JIM.

Meanwhile, on the atoll some of the students try to scavenge scrap metal to fix the ship. But because they are all airheads (okay, most of them) they fail to grasp the seriousness of the situation and wander off to tell sob stories or frolic in the shallow water whilst fully knowing there is a deadly 2-headed freak shark in the area.

This frolicking scene also contains some nudity. But seriously guys, it really feels tacked on. We aren’t stupid. We know this scene was added to make the movie more enticing. We just know you tried to distract us from the bad plot and crappy acting with girl-on-girl action, but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t just make a failed movie, slap some attractive lady flesh on it and call it a day. It insults the viewer.

Yup, dead as a doornail. Notice the shark's incredibly fake teeth

Ah yes, the atoll starts to sink, presumably the shark’s handiwork. Or was it because the island had gotten fed up with sheltering such a brain-dead group? Or some freaky natural occurrence that happens right there, right then? You be the judge. Oh, some more people become shark food at that point. But because all of them were douchebags or whiners, I couldn’t care less.

At some point in the film, they decide to have a race with some discarded boats they found on the atoll. And yesm, it all ends in a ‘disaster’: people get eaten by the shark HURR HURR. I didn’t care the slightest about them. 

The team (what remains of the band of douchebags and retards) faces some more disasters and they decide to fix the ship (again). The nerd knows that the shark will kill the welder because of the shark’s attraction to electromagnetic currents. And with an incredibly far-fetched plan, they plan to distract the shark until the hull is fixed. It involves a fishing net with an electric current going through it. Yes, the ship gets fixed but a cowardly douchebag steals it. Mercifully he gets eaten anyway by the 2-headed shark. Good riddance. 

Repent! Bad shark! Bad shark!

After that, this killer mammal (shark ≠ fish) decides to have a go at the electrified net. It gets a shock and angrily starts banging the rocks and scenery. This causes the atoll to sink even deeper. Now the survivors suddenly realise that they have to fight back! So they hide inside the remains of a chapel. The shark catches up with them but one of the douchebags is brave enough to start hitting it with a cross. This buys the other survivors time to escape the chapel. The douchebag dies a heroic death at the hands (fins?) of a freak shark. 

 

Meanwhile, the survivors keep wading through the water until they find a barrel of petrol. They decide to lure the 2-headed shark to the barrel, to let it bite this barrel and ignite it. SOUNDS FAMILIAR? (hint: that other shark movie everyone knows, beginning with a J). It destroys only one head. The survivors then find an abandoned little boat, they rig it and let the shark follow it. It bites the boat and explodes. The end.

Seriously, what the hell? 

I felt cheated at the end. Such a bad ending, but that’s not the only bad thing. I missed a lot of explanation, background information about this shark. Usually it’s something along the lines of an experiment gone wrong, a secret government project, or a mad scientist. Nothing like that here. Just mind-numbingly stupid comments of walking stereotypes. This movie just felt dumb in its entirety. What was the director thinking?

Anyways, there are a few things I learned while watching this ‘movie’.

- There is cell phone reception in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

-A 2-headed shark roars like dinosaur.

-Underwater welding is pretty easy to get the hang of, especially if you're a hot blonde in a small bikini.

-Lightly scraping your leg is a mortal wound, it must be treated immediately.

-2-headed sharks can continue to live after one of their heads is blown off.

-Fishing nets made out of rope can conduct electricity.

-2 headed sharks can change size at will.

Only watch this movie if you’re drunk, high or desperate (preferably combined).

Tl;dr Shark kills lots douchebags, then bites a rigged boat and explodes. That’s about it.

Hobo with a shotgun (2011)

  

(SPOILER ALERT)

Every once in a while there is a film that's so bad it's good. This is one of them. Initially this movie started off as a ‘fake’ trailer with the movie ‘Bitch Slap’. And like Bitch Slap, this is pure grindhouse bliss. The term ‘grindhouse’ refers to a type of movie that was made between the 1960’s and the 1990’s with a large amount sex, violence and often nonsensical plots. Yes, I know this movie was made in 2011 and that means it doesn’t qualify as ‘pure’ grindhouse, but it pays homage to these kind of movies. 

More specifically, the grindhouse vigilante movies from the eighties.

And this one is pretty darn good.

The plot is relatively simple. A nameless hobo arrives in a town called ‘Hope Town’ and is confronted with rampant crime. Upon arriving he also witnesses a horrific execution in the streets by the Drake family (I won’t spoil you the details but it involves a manhole cover). This crime family, consisting of father Drake and his two psychotic sons, is the cause of everything that goes wrong in Hope Town.

Like most B-movies, the antagonists don’t have what you would call a ‘deep character’. They just keep repeating their shallow motives in order to reinforce their evil psyche. Much like a song stuck on replay. They never go beyond the usual “This city needs me” and “I am the greatest, don’t you fuck with me you FUCKING FUCK!”. Yes, a lot of f-words in this movie. The antagonists show psychotic tendencies that only the most disturbed criminals wouldn't reject (like killing your own uncle and using his head as a hood ornament, sawing someone's head of a wood saw, killing with ice skates).

The Drake family runs the city and has everybody in their pocket. Our hobo-hero tries to survive and wants to buy a lawnmower. One evening, he saves a prostitute (called Abby) from certain death by the two Drake sons. She befriends the hobo.

These tender moments allow us to develop a bond with the hobo and Abby. She is his emotional outlet. Abby is like a delicate flower, forced into the dirt of prostitution because of the violent, hopeless and toxic environment. Our hero hopes she becomes a teacher someday.

But the next day, he leaves and wants to go buy the lawnmower. But just as he is inside the store a robbery takes place. 

"I'm gonna sleep in your bloody carcasses tonight!"

Our hero snaps.

He grabs a shotgun from the shelves…                 

And delivers justice to the robbers (shooting them into a bloody pulp) one shell at a time. FUCK YEAH

Our hero continues his killing spree. Like a sick, twisted and demented version of batman (including the gravelly voice), he starts delivering GREAT JUSTICE to a host of perpetrators including: muggers, pimps, snuff-movie directors and a paedophile dressed as Santa (I’m not making this shit up).

Prepare to see a lot of blood everywhere

It all feels so incredibly epic, you almost wish there was a shotgun-equipped hobo in every street, poppin’ heads of every wrongdoer. And just like in every b-movie there is one helluva lot of violence. Buckets of fake blood flow on the set. Most of the time it is so incredibly unrealistic that you’ll probably laugh instead of being shocked (at least I was).

The city rejoices because of the hobo’s killing spree and the evil Drake family feels their power slipping. So the two psychotic sons want to instil a sense of fear in the masses by torching a bus full of schoolchildren. That’s right. Friggin’ school children.

They do this whilst ‘Disco inferno’ (by the Trammps) plays as background music. Evil just got a whole lot groovier.

As I said before: cardboard cutouts when it comes to character development. But that’s how it’s supposed to be. It’s like trying to watch a porno movie for the plot. You don’t do that, right? But at this point you have already seen so much shocking violence that you probably are desensitized  and won’t even bat an eyelid.  

The sons hunt down the hobo and Abby. One of the psychotic sons dies in an amusing way, the other one had a toaster-accident (seeing is believing).

The hobo confronts one of the sons. Yes, he is pointing at that area with his shotgun.

But eventually father Drake captures the hobo and demands that he fights to the death in an epic battle in an arena. Like a sick version of ‘Gladiator’. What happens next contains a lot of WTF?, AWESOME!, and OH GOD WHY. Some keywords: gore,lawnmower blade,gore,manhole cover, noose, gore, gore, hand, blood, gore, shotgun. Have I mentioned gore already?

You do the math.

To wrap it all up, it’s a great movie but take a few precautions before watching:

1. Forget all regular logic

2. Don’t eat before or during the movie (I made this mistake)

3. Embrace the blood and gore (essential)

4. Don’t be easily offended

5. ENJOY YOURSELF!

Also these guys

See you next week guys!

Tl;dr Hobo with a shotgun cleanses a city of crime, befriends prostitute, ruling crime family gets nervous and captures him to fight in an arena to the death.

Wasted notes

Soo, what happened? I was attending a new year's eve party hosted by a friend. The subject soon shifted to movies. Our host had prepared a 'mystery' dvd for the occasion. I thought by myself: "Hey, this could be an opportunity for a review, which I will put on my blog later." Two birds with one stone. Turned out the movie was the first Twilight. That's right. THAT MOVIE. Indeed, the host had trolled us all, but that was okay because it had been a great evening and I surely wouldn't let it go to waste because of one movie. 

I decided to go with the flow and watch. I mean, how hard can it be?

I took notes (as I do with every movie I review), but the movie went soooo slow. My god, minutes felt like hours.

I decided to speed up this process with alcohol. LOTS of it. I'm sure I downed at least an entire bottle of wine. My goal was to survive this ordeal in a haze of alcohol. The only downside of it all was that I couldn't concentrate or control my pen anymore. That's why I gave up after a while.

Mercifully, after only 15 minutes nobody could stand it anymore and we switched to more classy stuff: a classic batman movie and the matrix. It was for the best, really.

You can see that evolution in the notes. At first the handwriting starts to falter, after that my thoughts are becoming incoherent. And finally, you can see the two combined on the last picture. 

Next week I'll continue with 'proper, normal' reviews.

 td;dr Tried to watch Twilight drunk at a new year's eve party. The notes I made show how intoxicated I was at that moment.
 

  Normal -->














A bit tipsy -->









Drunk -->

Even more drunk, it becomes difficult to hold a pen properly

I don't remember writing this anymore, but I do know the two first words are "You wish". 

 Don't do drugs kids.